The List Song

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As some day it may happen a committee must be found
I've got a little list - I've got a little list
Of Cecilian misadventures that we'd buried underground
That we hoped 'ud not be missed - We've got them on the list
There's the Yeoman where the cannon fired real ammo at the crowd
And all those shows, as usual, where the brass were rather loud.
And the treasurer whose filing kept receipts in poly bags;
The MD who in power cuts conducts with lighted fags;
And that ghastly aberration the rehearsal pianist.
I don't think he'd be missed.
He's usually pissed.

He's got 'em on the list. He's got 'em on the list.
And they'll none of them be missed. They'll none of them be missed

There's the time we build the set so big it won't fit through the door.
I've got it on the list, I've got it on the list
And the chorus girl who thinks she really wants to be a whore -
she never would be missed - I've got her on my list.
Then the alto who keeps singing with enthusiastic tone
All choruses but this and ev'ry solo but her own;
And the tenor from the chorus ranks - I'm sure you know the guy -
Who "doesn't think he time-steps but would rather like to try";
And dancing coaches who on teaching box-steps all insist.
I don't think they'd be missed. They've gone to slit their wrists.

He's got 'em on the list. He's got 'em on the list.
And they'll none of them be missed. They'll none of them be missed

When offices go up in smoke insurance isn't paid:
I won't mention any names ('cos we succeeded in the claim);
The AGM traditions where the usual gags are played
Every year the same! He suggests "Pajama Game!"
There's the time the phone's about to ring but there's no phone on stage;
And jumble sales one afternoon all seem to last an age;
There's all those nice old theatres that get closed behind our backs;
And can anybody tell me why we've got a giant axe?
But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list
They'll none of them be missed. They'll none of them be missed.